Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"
Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language."That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem ... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"

A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman's shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo.
"I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the other place.""You don't want to go there", he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there.""I don't care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents: "How was I born?"
His mother awkwardly answers: "The stork brought you.""Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?""Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."The boy begins his paper: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Joke of the Day -

Son : Dad, what should I give my girlfriend for Christmas?

Dad : What is she like?


Son : She's really pretty, sweet, fun to be with and really sexy.

Dad : Give her my number.

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker.
The supreme deity turned to Al and asked: "Tell what is important about yourself." Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, "I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand."God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, "I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand."God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?" Bill Gates responded "I think you are sitting in my chair!"

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".

A husband pinches his wifes arse and says: "Do you know if you firm this up you could get rid of your girdle?"
The wife annoyed, decided to bite her tongue and say nothing.Later that night in bed, the husband squeezed her tits and said: "Do you know, if you firmed these up you could get rid of your bra?"Absolutely fuming, the wife reached over and grabbed his dick and said: "Well do you know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the milk man and your fucking brother?"

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word "definitely" in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies: "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"The Teacher says: "Of course not Johnny."To which Johnny replies: "Then I have definitely shit my pants."