A sinking ship's Captain: "Does anyone know how to pray?"
A priest says he can pray.Captain: "Ok priest, you pray. Everyone else will wear a life jacket. We are short of one."

A man asks God:

Man: Why did you make women so beautiful?
God: So you would love her.
Man: Then why did you make her so dumb?
God: So she would love you.

Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.
Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says: "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"Jon says: "I'd be half blind.""That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?""I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.The doctor asks Dan: "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"Dan says: "I'd be half blind."The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?""I'd be completely blind.""Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor."Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."

A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the "uppity". Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."
The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?"The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church and the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth."I think you're bad luck."

Joke of the Day -

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

“A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which gender is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here's something I have that you'll never have!" The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She lifts her dress, drops her knickers, and yells, "My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

A constantly nagged and harried son-in-law decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a birth day present. The next birthday came, but this year he didn’t buy her a gift. The mother-in-law was upset and asked the son-in-law why was he had forgotten this time. The angry son-in-law responded, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

A mailman who had delivered mail to this neighborhood was finally retiring after 30 long years. So on his last day each house had little gifts for him to show him how much they cared, the first house he came to gave him a gift basket full off food, the next house gave him some baked goods and so on. Then he comes up to this one house and standing in the doorway is this gorgeous BLOND and she is wearing nothing but this little negligee. She takes the mailman by the hand and leads him upstairs where she gives him the best and the longest sex that he has ever had. Man talk about every fantasy fulfilled! After that she takes him downstairs and fixes him a wonderful breakfast. After he finishes he sees a dollar bill under his water glass so he asks about it. She says, well I was telling my husband that today was your last day and asked him what we should do for you and he says Screw Him, Give him a dollar.