Joke of the Day -

A husband and wife at a hotel asked for a 6am alarm call. On the stroke of 6, the phone rang and a voice said: "This is your wake-up call." The guest said thanks and put the phone down. A minute later the phone rang again and the voice said: "This is your wake-up call." Annoyed, the husband said: "You phoned only a minute ago." "I know," replied the receptionist, "but there are two of you."

Heard this one a while ago...



Two women meet in Heaven. One a young blonde the other a middle aged brunette. They are standing in line chatting with each other as they wait to get into heaven.They older brunette asked: "How did you die? You're so young, it must've been tragic."
The blonde answered: "Oh, well I froze to death. It wasn't too bad, I just got really cold then it kind of felt like I was falling asleep then I woke up here. What about you?"
The brunette replied: "I had a massive heart attack, it was horrible. You see I was sure my husband had been cheating on me for weeks now. One day after leaving for work I came home after 20 minutes to surprise him and catch him in the act. But when I went inside he was sitting at the couch in his underwear confused. Still sure he had been cheating I started going through the house looking for the other woman. I checked the bedroom, bathroom, laundry room, closets, even the basement. There was no one to be found, but in the process I got so stressed and worked up I felt a massive pain in my chest fell to the floor and ended up here..."
Shocked the blonde pats her on the shoulder and says: "I'm sorry... But if you would have checked the freezer we would both still be alive."

A farmer says to his wife: "If you had bigger tit’s, I’d get rid of the cow!"
Wife replies: "If you had a bigger cock, I’d get rid of the tractor driver!"

Joke of the Day -

Bill Gates goes to purgatory.

St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

Joke of the Day -

When you find any beautiful girl alone, Just Ask -

Are you lost, ma'am? Because Heaven is a long way from here.

At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is giving a talk: "The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment." An alligator came in the room and bit the seargents penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off.
"Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the Seargent. A man put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."

Joke of the Day -

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It
You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

Joke of the Day -

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man & stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this - I'm a United States congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered."Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven."Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."