Dude I love this one so much lmao. Laughed so hard when I saw it on reddit a while back...Quote:
Originally Posted by xeroin
What's the difference between a pick-pocketer and a peeping tom?
One snatches watches, the other watches snatches
Printable View
Dude I love this one so much lmao. Laughed so hard when I saw it on reddit a while back...Quote:
Originally Posted by xeroin
What's the difference between a pick-pocketer and a peeping tom?
One snatches watches, the other watches snatches
Man walks into a surgery and punches the doctor. 'what the f**k do you think your doing telling my wife her pussy is nice?!' Doctor says ' I didnt ... I told her she had acute angina ...'
Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?
1) MENstruation 2) MENopause 3) MENtal breakdown 4) GUYnecology 5) HIMmorrhoids...
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.
One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"Johnny said, "Yes.""Well, what did the principal say?""He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number ..."
Three girls are at work, and their female boss is leaving early for the day. The brunette also suggests to leave early as there boss will not notice. So that afternoon, they all leave early.
One spends time with her son and enjoys her time off.The redhead does her gardening and has an early night.The blonde goes home and hears sounds in her bedroom, she walks upstairs quietly open her bedroom door and finds her boss in bed with her hubby, shuts the door and leaves the house.On next day, the brunette goes on asking: "Shall we leave early again today?" The blonde says: "No way I nearly got caught!
I asked my wife: "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"She said: "Somewhere I have never been!"I told her: "How about the kitchen?"
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians ...
A cowboy from Montana and a cowboy from California are on a sheep drive. They have been out for weeks and have been pulling sheep out of the mud and working really hard. Eventually they come across a sheep with her head stuck in the fence.
They are both very lonely, so the cowboy from Montana says "I'm first!" and he drops his pants and mounts the sheep. When he is finished, he steps back, looks at the California cowboy, and says "You're next".The California cowboy drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.
A very logical and somewhat cold calculating professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife:
Dear Wife,You must realize that now you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.Your Husband,Professor Malone When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband,You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.Your Wife.
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"
Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language."That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem ... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"
A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman's shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo.
"I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the other place.""You don't want to go there", he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there.""I don't care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents: "How was I born?"
His mother awkwardly answers: "The stork brought you.""Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?""Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."The boy begins his paper: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
Joke of the Day -
Son : Dad, what should I give my girlfriend for Christmas?
Dad : What is she like?
Son : She's really pretty, sweet, fun to be with and really sexy.
Dad : Give her my number.
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker.
The supreme deity turned to Al and asked: "Tell what is important about yourself." Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, "I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand."God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, "I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand."God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?" Bill Gates responded "I think you are sitting in my chair!"
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".
A husband pinches his wifes arse and says: "Do you know if you firm this up you could get rid of your girdle?"
The wife annoyed, decided to bite her tongue and say nothing.Later that night in bed, the husband squeezed her tits and said: "Do you know, if you firmed these up you could get rid of your bra?"Absolutely fuming, the wife reached over and grabbed his dick and said: "Well do you know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the milk man and your fucking brother?"
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word "definitely" in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies: "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"The Teacher says: "Of course not Johnny."To which Johnny replies: "Then I have definitely shit my pants."
What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing, they haven't met!
If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to the cinema?
A kid had sex with his teacher...
So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?" The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher." The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike." Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?" The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts."
Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"
Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."
A woman finds a genie's lamp. The Genie comes out and says, "You may have three wishes, but your husband will get ten times more than what you wished for."
The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. "You realize," the Genie said, "that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?""That's okay," says the woman, "He'll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful women." So the wish is granted.Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world. "You know your husband will be ten times richer, right?" the Genie asks."That's okay. What's mine is his and what's his is mine," replied the woman. So the wish was granted.The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish. She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poke her face!
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device ... a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I’ll explain the toy ... you explain the kids."
A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.
The operation is performed, but a couple of months later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.But, there's still no result, and another couple of months later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after.""Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."
A little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says: "Your gonna get hair on your muffin!""I know" she says "im gonna get tits too you dirty old bastard!"
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
What did one lab rat say to the other?
I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack.
A man was taken for hearing, the Judge asks: "Why are you arrested?"
He says: "For shopping early?"Judge: "Well, that's not a crime, anyway how early were you shopping?"He replies: "Before the vendor opened the shop!"
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him.As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?".Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."
A doctor complains to his colleagues about the sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico.
"Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box."His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary."That's not all," says the doctor. "You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face.
"Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down.Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!""Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"