Joke Of The Day

A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?".
"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl."But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"

Joke of the Day -

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Joke of the Day -

A lady sitting in the dentist chair told the dentist, "I would rather go through the pain of child birth than have you drill in my mouth." The dentist replied, "Well, you had better make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.
A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!

A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick.
An ugly woman is passing and remarks: "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady!"He replied: "If you were any sort of a lady, the hat would lift itself!"

Joke of the Day -

A young woman came home and told her mom that her steady boyfriend had proposed, but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell. "Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how very wrong he is."

Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.""Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!""What do you mean?" said Dad."Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming"If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

Joke of the Day -

Wife Running After A Garbage Truck:
Am I Too Late For The Garbage?


Hubby Following Her Yelled: Not Yet.
Jumpppp Innnn Fastttt.

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "... 13 ... 13 ... 13 ..."
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Joke of the Day -

A husband and wife at a hotel asked for a 6am alarm call. On the stroke of 6, the phone rang and a voice said: "This is your wake-up call." The guest said thanks and put the phone down. A minute later the phone rang again and the voice said: "This is your wake-up call." Annoyed, the husband said: "You phoned only a minute ago." "I know," replied the receptionist, "but there are two of you."

Heard this one a while ago...



Two women meet in Heaven. One a young blonde the other a middle aged brunette. They are standing in line chatting with each other as they wait to get into heaven.They older brunette asked: "How did you die? You're so young, it must've been tragic."
The blonde answered: "Oh, well I froze to death. It wasn't too bad, I just got really cold then it kind of felt like I was falling asleep then I woke up here. What about you?"
The brunette replied: "I had a massive heart attack, it was horrible. You see I was sure my husband had been cheating on me for weeks now. One day after leaving for work I came home after 20 minutes to surprise him and catch him in the act. But when I went inside he was sitting at the couch in his underwear confused. Still sure he had been cheating I started going through the house looking for the other woman. I checked the bedroom, bathroom, laundry room, closets, even the basement. There was no one to be found, but in the process I got so stressed and worked up I felt a massive pain in my chest fell to the floor and ended up here..."
Shocked the blonde pats her on the shoulder and says: "I'm sorry... But if you would have checked the freezer we would both still be alive."

A farmer says to his wife: "If you had bigger tit’s, I’d get rid of the cow!"
Wife replies: "If you had a bigger cock, I’d get rid of the tractor driver!"

Joke of the Day -

Bill Gates goes to purgatory.

St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

Joke of the Day -

When you find any beautiful girl alone, Just Ask -

Are you lost, ma'am? Because Heaven is a long way from here.

At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is giving a talk: "The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment." An alligator came in the room and bit the seargents penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off.
"Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the Seargent. A man put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."

Joke of the Day -

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It
You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

Joke of the Day -

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man & stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this - I'm a United States congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered."Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven."Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies!

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Ahh I've missed this thread!!!



I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. You don't need a lightbulb when you have a glass ceiling.

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

A man walked into a bar and sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!” Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said “beautiful shirt“. At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey…I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.” “It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender. “Say what?” “You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts … they’re complimentary.“

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.

So the baby snake says to its mom: "Mom, are we poisonous?"
And the mommy snakes says, "Why do you ask?"The baby replies, "Because I just bit my tongue."

A sinking ship's Captain: "Does anyone know how to pray?"
A priest says he can pray.Captain: "Ok priest, you pray. Everyone else will wear a life jacket. We are short of one."

A man asks God:

Man: Why did you make women so beautiful?
God: So you would love her.
Man: Then why did you make her so dumb?
God: So she would love you.

Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.
Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says: "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"Jon says: "I'd be half blind.""That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?""I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.The doctor asks Dan: "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"Dan says: "I'd be half blind."The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?""I'd be completely blind.""Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor."Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."

A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the "uppity". Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."
The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?"The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church and the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth."I think you're bad luck."

Joke of the Day -

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

“A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which gender is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here's something I have that you'll never have!" The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She lifts her dress, drops her knickers, and yells, "My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

A constantly nagged and harried son-in-law decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a birth day present. The next birthday came, but this year he didn’t buy her a gift. The mother-in-law was upset and asked the son-in-law why was he had forgotten this time. The angry son-in-law responded, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

A mailman who had delivered mail to this neighborhood was finally retiring after 30 long years. So on his last day each house had little gifts for him to show him how much they cared, the first house he came to gave him a gift basket full off food, the next house gave him some baked goods and so on. Then he comes up to this one house and standing in the doorway is this gorgeous BLOND and she is wearing nothing but this little negligee. She takes the mailman by the hand and leads him upstairs where she gives him the best and the longest sex that he has ever had. Man talk about every fantasy fulfilled! After that she takes him downstairs and fixes him a wonderful breakfast. After he finishes he sees a dollar bill under his water glass so he asks about it. She says, well I was telling my husband that today was your last day and asked him what we should do for you and he says Screw Him, Give him a dollar.