A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night and told him "there is a burglar downstairs in the kitchen and he is eating the cake that my mother made for us."
The husband said, "who shall I call, the police or an ambulance?"
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A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night and told him "there is a burglar downstairs in the kitchen and he is eating the cake that my mother made for us."
The husband said, "who shall I call, the police or an ambulance?"
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work.By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?""I was in bed.""What were you doing in bed this late?""Getting a second opinion!"
Joke of the Day -
Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There was a prostitute on the beach without any arms or legs, and crying. A man came along and asked her what the matter was. She tells him that she has not been hugged before, so he picks her up and hugs her.
The next day she is still there crying, the same man comes along and asks her what the matter is. She tells him that she has not been kissed before, so he picks her up and kisses her.The next day she's still there crying, and same man comes along again. He asks her sternly what the matter is and she tells him that she has not been fucked before. So the man picks her up, walks to the end of the pier, and throws her in the sea and says: "Now you're fucked."
A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt."
The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Joke of the Day -
Teacher asked the students to tell the most common word used by students in a classroom.
Suddenly a student got up and said “Can’t Sir”!
Brilliant! You are right, the teacher said!
A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,
"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store.""But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly."Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:"Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novocaine in the condom!"
We are finally certain why the universe expands. It is trying to get as far away from Chuck Norris as possible.
Need to bookmark this topic. Bring on the heat, guys. Post some good ones, I need some fire.
Joke of the Day -
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm out shopping, and I've found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "£1,000? Why not? Go ahead and buy it, if you like it that much."
"WOMAN: "Well, whilst I'm on the phone, I stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
"MAN: "How much?
"WOMAN: "£85,000."
"MAN: "£85,000? OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make them an offer, but only offer £900,000."
"WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
"MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up and sees that the other men in the changing room are looking at him in astonishment.
He smiles and asks: "Anyone knows whose phone this is?"
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you."
“A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next several months, he saw her doing this often. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning differently. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, and started stroking himself, moaning, "I need a bike! I need a bike!”
“A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you stick your little finger in it, wiggle it around, and then pull it out, which feels better—your ear or your finger?
“A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake in the living room?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch! It was sweet!”
Joke of the Day -
An Engineer Having No Child, No Money, No Home, Blind Mother, Prays To God.
God Says He Will Grant Him One Wish!
Engineer: “I Want My Mother To See My Wife Putting Diamond Bangles On My Child’s Hands, In Our New Bunglow”
God: “Damn! I Still Have A Lot To Learn From These Engineers”
Engineers Always Rock!
A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram.
He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says: "Are you my daddy?"The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram.The baby says again: "Are you my daddy?"The doctor says: "No, I'm not your father."They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked: "Are you my daddy?"And the father says: "Yes, I am!"So, the baby pops out of the mother's womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying: "How do you like that?! How do you like that?!"
One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered."Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven."Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."
The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more."For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more."The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Joke of the Day -
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?""With you!" he said."But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child.""Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"
Two strangers, a man and woman are seated at a dinner party together. The man turns to the woman and says, I've got a hypothetical question for you, miss.
The woman, curious, says "O.K. shoot."
The man says "If a man were to offer you one million pounds to sleep with him, would you do it?"
The woman thinks for a moment and finally answers "I guess I would...for a million pounds."
The man smiles and says "Then will you sleep with me for thirty-five pounds?"
The woman, with a shocked expression on her face, stands and screams at the man, "Of course I won't. What do you think I am!"
To which the man replies, "We've already determined WHAT you are, now we're just negotiating the price."
As I booked into a hotel, I said to the receptionist,
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she says, "It's regular porn, you sick ba$tard!"
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she.
Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
Because they are tired of using their own.
I bought my wife some perfume at the weekend called chloroform.
She said she didnt like it as it made her sleepy and her bum sore
Joke of the Day -
Tim’s First Interview
Interviewer: “Tell me opposite words.. COOL”
Tim: “Hot”
Interviewer: "Girl"
Tim: “Boy”
Interviewer: ” Love ”
Tim: ” Hate ”
Interviewer: “Good Keep it up”
Tim: “Bad Put it down”
Interviewer: “Stop It”
Tim: “Start that”
Interviewer: “Idiot Get Out”
Tim: “Clever Come in”
Interviewer: “Oh my God”
Tim: “Oh your devil”
Interviewer: “I rejected You”
Tim: “You appointed Me”
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 30lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on that 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the fekin skipping'
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
Well done on reposting the same joke I posted 2 days ago on the previous page.Quote:
Originally Posted by xeroin
At least you took the trouble to change the wording slightly I suppose :P
Oh ok then...seeing as its almost Christmas and Im in a good mood :D
Teacher: "Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour?"
Pupil: "Because it can't sit down!"
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"
"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really f**k, I've got nothing left to live for!"