There are some movies that can be reimagined as 80’s romantic comedies and be believable, but sadly Phantom Thread is not one of them. How anyone could see this as a comedy is a testament to how dark humor can really get since Phantom Thread is in truth a very serious movie. Reynolds Woodcock is anything but funny and the manner in which the movie goes doesn’t have a whole lot of room for humor. It’s also kind of a testament to the Academy awards this year how truly swayed the awards are at times since this movie won for Best Costume Design. The costumes were stunning, but so were the outfits in many other movies. In essence this movie was awarded for something that comprised about at least a third to half of it’s entire premise.

Plus, finding the comedy aspect in this film is like trying to find water in the desert. You simply know it’s there waiting to be found at some point but the chances of finding it before you expire from exhaustion are quite high. And if you do find the comedic moments then the chances are still good that they’ll be so dry that they’ll leave you parched and wanting to see a decent comedy before you retire for the night. Cynical as all this sounds it’s not too far from the heart of the movie as the lead character, who is given life by a great actor, is still one of the driest and provocative figures in recent history. There’s more humor in Lewis’ rendition of Bill the Butcher or Lincoln than there was in this film.

A couple of the only times that could have been used to bring any comedy was when Alma decided to poison Reynolds so that she would have to look over him and he would have to accept it. That would have fit into the 80’s comedy scene quite nicely but once again the film takes itself so seriously that the funny kind of dies before it ever starts. Poisoning someone after all isn’t all that funny in real life but in film it can be hilarious if done right. The nature of the act is heinous but the reasons and the execution can still be made into something quite amusing if the director knows how and has the inclination. To be honest this is one of the only films that could never be construed as funny in any way simply because it goes along in a manner that almost screams “NO COMEDY HERE”.

There’s plenty of romance but it’s a little choppy since Reynolds is a man of strict habits and tends to go back to his routines very quickly. This is a man that likes to have control and can’t cope if things don’t go his way. Some would call that the illusion of having control, which is in all honesty what it is since control is an illusion, and when it’s stripped away those that believe in it so profoundly are at a loss for what to do. But funny, this film definitely ain’t.