What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing, they haven't met!

If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to the cinema?

A kid had sex with his teacher...

So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?" The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher." The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike." Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?" The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts."

Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"
Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."

A woman finds a genie's lamp. The Genie comes out and says, "You may have three wishes, but your husband will get ten times more than what you wished for."
The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. "You realize," the Genie said, "that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?""That's okay," says the woman, "He'll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful women." So the wish is granted.Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world. "You know your husband will be ten times richer, right?" the Genie asks."That's okay. What's mine is his and what's his is mine," replied the woman. So the wish was granted.The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish. She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.

How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poke her face!

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device ... a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I’ll explain the toy ... you explain the kids."

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.
The operation is performed, but a couple of months later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.But, there's still no result, and another couple of months later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after.""Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."

A little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says: "Your gonna get hair on your muffin!""I know" she says "im gonna get tits too you dirty old bastard!"

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.