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A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
What did one lab rat say to the other?
I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack.
A man was taken for hearing, the Judge asks: "Why are you arrested?"
He says: "For shopping early?"Judge: "Well, that's not a crime, anyway how early were you shopping?"He replies: "Before the vendor opened the shop!"
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him.As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?".Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."
A doctor complains to his colleagues about the sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico.
"Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box."His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary."That's not all," says the doctor. "You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face.
"Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down.Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!""Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"