GOING FOR GOLD (G)
Rating: zero stars (0 out of 5) ... that’s zip. nil. nada.
Director: Clay Glen (Raising the Bar)
Starring: Kelli Berglund, Emily Morris, Terry Rogers, Jo Stone.

Disqualified immediately from medal contention.

It is nearly 20 years since Hollywood came up with Bring It On, charming the world with a merry band of cherubic cheerleaders led by Kirsten Dunst.

Now Australia is having a very belated go at the same stuff. The end result? A total shambles which should have been titled Turn It Off.

Mere words cannot express how awful Going for Gold can be when it really puts its absent mind to it.

Dialogue intended to reflect the with-it ways of modern teens regarding music, fashion, dance and social media is so far from finger-on-the-pulse, it is fingers-in-your-ears time.

Seriously, the levels this thing hits on the uncool-o-meter gives every indication Going for Gold was written by someone whose last known contact with youth culture was accidentally watching the Disney Channel with the sound off.

(A special shout-out must also go to Going for Gold’s makeup department, who slathered the young cast in what seems to be a choice blend of flour and coloured chalk dust.)

A dimly inane story is set in suburban Adelaide, where a newly arrived American teen starts a cheerleading squad with some new friends. Primarily so they can teach some bitchy enemies a lesson.

A killer combo of very wobbly choreography and very stilted acting suggests either most scenes in Going for Gold were filmed in one take, or nobody thought to tell the cast the cameras were switched on.

Is it possible to sign off on this dire effort on a positive note? Well, the weather sure was nice in Adelaide at the time of shooting.