Greg and I met two years ago on a blind date. It was six months after I’d left my ex-husband of 10 years. Greg had left a marriage of 20. Before we even kissed, I told him that I needed to be in a monogamous relationship; that was number-one for me. Greg said he never once cheated on his wife and promised to do the same with me.

Our first kiss was magical.

He was a high-flying CEO with a cocaine addiction and had moved to my town to recover. At the time I didn’t know anything about addiction, but I fell for him and thought I could handle it.

It took me two years to figure out one addiction could lead to others
These days Greg uses cocaine 2-3 times a week. Once upon a time he did seven grams a day, so he doesn’t think that it’s a problem now.

I first discovered that Greg was sleeping with prostitutes when I went to visit him in Sydney where he was spending time with his kids. I sensed something was wrong as soon as I landed.

Then, when he didn’t pick me up from the airport and wouldn’t answer his phone, I panicked. When I turned up at his apartment, Greg was an absolute mess, passed out on the bed. There was a text on his phone saying, “Baby, please call me”. So, I called the number and the woman on the other end admitted she was a prostitute – and was looking for payment.

He promised to change
I thought it’d happened maybe a couple of times when he was high on coke. Greg promised to change. But I woke up one morning not long after with this urge to look at his bank statements.

I discovered that in three months there was $20,000 worth of transactions to prostitutes on his credit card. He’d been hiring them when away on business trips.

I felt absolute shock, disgust and disappointment that I’d been lied to. I totally lost my shit. But in Greg’s mind they were just paid transactions – there was no heart connection and therefore not that big of a deal.

Again, he promised to stop
Greg was good for about 100 days and we went to Thailand to heal our relationship. He wanted to stay for six weeks, but I could only go for three. It was such a healthy holiday and he called me every day after I left.

But again, I just had this feeling something wasn’t right. When he arrived home, I looked in his phone and found a photo of a Thai girl. It was taken the day after I left.

The last prostitute I know of was four weeks ago when I was away. I know this because I’ve continued to check Greg’s credit card statements when they arrive in the mail. Some of these transactions are $5000 in one night.

I know this particular brothel is $500 an hour and they can also bring cocaine which is another $500. Still, that’s only $1000 – what else could he be doing for another four hours? He has spent $60,000 on prostitutes in the last year alone and that’s only what I’m aware of. There will be cash payments and cocaine on top of that.

Why do I stay?
Because I absolutely adore this man and have a soul connection with him. Life is messy. I’m 42 and if I leave him and meet someone else, there will just be another problem to work on. He’s so much fun and pulls me up on my own shit. In so many ways I’m learning from him. I’m generally just happier with him in my life.

But when I’m not with him I think, ‘What’s he doing?’ Right now, I’m burying my head in the sand and have faith that one day he will stop.

Greg promises that he won’t do it again, but I absolutely don’t trust him. We have an apartment in another city that he lives in and I visit every weekend.

I’ve positioned all my girly things in a certain way, so if there’s another woman there and she touches my stuff, I will know. That’s a shit way to live.

I’ve left before
One day when he wasn’t home, without warning I just packed my bags and moved out. Yet Greg managed to win me over.

Maybe he just knows he has the kind of money that can buy me back. I want our lifestyle long-term – to be looked after and have money. I’ve lived it tough, but now we can afford to go on family holidays and stay in nice hotels. When you’re in your forties, there aren’t a lot of fish out there. I used Tinder once to spy on him and I found the whole concept of it so disgusting.

If my circumstances were different, I probably would have walked out. But my previous partner, who I’d broken up with before I met Greg, killed himself. We were still living together and raising our kids for a few years after to remain a family. Four days after he died, I found out he’d been cheating on me for a long time. This girl lived around the corner from us.

We all have baggage
But the thing is, we all have baggage. My friend left her husband because he has a porn addiction. Another friend’s husband of 20 years also cheats with prostitutes and she’s choosing to stay.

Greg told me that every one of his friends will cheat when they go away on business trips. Now I don’t know if he was lying about never cheating on his wife, or if he just started cheating on me.

I’ve definitely seen small changes in his behaviour, yet he always goes back to prostitutes. He says it’s just coke related and I can see that. I can see what it does to him – he becomes this person with no morals and it’s really unattractive.

I’m no longer checking up on him
A credit card statement should arrive any day, but I just don’t want to know anymore. Instead, I try to be in the present and keep looking forward. But I’m constantly checking in with myself to see that I’m okay with this; if I can handle what might happen next and asking myself, “Is my present moment good?”

I believe too many people give up easily in relationships and I’ve done that twice already. This time I’m committed to working it through. Greg makes me laugh and feel joyful. His smile is infectious and when he holds me it’s so loving I struggle to describe it.

So, this is the guy I’ve chosen and he’s teaching me a lot. I can turn a blind eye, but it still makes me feel sick to my stomach and hurts me deeply.