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Thread: Joke Of The Day

  1. #51
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    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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  2. #52
    kuho
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    A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.
    He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
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  3. #53
    Extreme User krell's Avatar
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    A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

    A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

    A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

    A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'

    Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection? A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

    Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

    Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common? A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns

    Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

  4. #54
    Extreme User krell's Avatar
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    How are women and tornadoes alike?

    They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

  5. #55
    Extreme User krell's Avatar
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    There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

  6. #56
    Extreme User krell's Avatar
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    This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

    He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

    "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

    "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

    He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

    Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

    She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

  7. #57
    Extreme User krell's Avatar
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    A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."

  8. #58
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    The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

    1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

    2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

    3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

    4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

    5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

    6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

    7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

  9. #59
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    One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

  10. #60
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    Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

    "Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

    "No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

    Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"


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