A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.”
Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “
What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Today's Joke -

A man went to his doctor and told him that he had not been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. “Here take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up,” he said. “Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Worried to be put on so much medicine the man said. “Oh, Doc! Now exactly what is my problem?”
The doctor replied, “You are not drinking enough water.”

Thanks for contribution : @kuho @bonbon

There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"Forty-nine hands went up."Right!" said St. Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Hell. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

Today's Joke -

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

Thanks for contribution : @kuho @bonbon

@DGM there ya go mate, just before i leave for work!

“One woman stops a taxi. "To the airport, please." After a few minutes, the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says, "You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today." She says, "Are you kidding me? I am not pregnant." "Well, you haven’t arrived at the airport yet, either.”

@DGM


Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!



Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.

Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"

Today's Joke -



“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend,
there was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”




Thanks for contribution : @raynrach15@kuho @whiteLight