I haven’t always despised my husband Clint*. When we first met, he swept me off my feet with his wit, warmth and compassion.

I had escaped an abusive marriage the year before, and Clint took me on with all my fears and emotional damage – and he quickly became like a father to my four-year-old daughter Lily*.

What I loved most about Clint in the early days was that he was so laid back. Nothing bothered him, and he was always happy to take time out from his carpentry business to go to the beach for the morning or spend all day watching movies in bed with me.

When Clint asked me to marry him after we’d been dating for just over a year, I was over the moon. And Lily made the most adorable flower girl I’ve ever seen. I finally had the happy marriage and family I’d been craving, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I could exhale.

We went on to have two more daughters, Olivia* and Abby*, and things were great for a few years.

The resentment crept in gradually, I suppose. It’s funny how those character traits you initially find charming are the things that eventually drive you mad.

That laid back attitude was fun when we didn’t live together, but once that carpentry business became our livelihood, I realised how much money Clint was throwing away when he decided to skive off for the afternoon to have a few drinks with his mates, or take the girls to the park.

Clint was a great dad, and he was always available to our girls. He even adopted Lily and she started calling him Dad too.

But there was no ambition in him. No fire in his belly. We were living hand to mouth, from pay cheque to pay cheque, and it didn’t seem to bother him one bit.

It’s not that I needed to be rich, but I was tired of not being able to afford to go away on holidays and sick of having to save up to do something simple like replace our broken washing machine.

Clint’s parents are elderly and I know they have several million dollars, as well as four properties, that will be divided between Clint and his younger brother when they die. It’s not nice to think about, but Clint himself has told me he knows he’ll be financially taken care of later in life, so he doesn’t feel the need to work hard.

Clint’s laid back attitude extended to other facets of our lives too. Where he was once super passionate and loving towards me, he became lazy and disinterested.

I tried to keep the romance alive in our marriage, but eventually he just started falling asleep on the couch in front of the TV each night rather than coming to bed with me.

At first, I would wake him and gently guide him into our bed, but after a while I realised having a queen sized bed all to myself was actually preferable to sharing it with someone who showed no interest in me at all.

We’ve been married almost 20 years now, and we’re like housemates, but with the added level of frustration that nothing gets done around the place. Clint starts projects and then abandons them part-way through, saying he’ll get back to them eventually.

I have a half-built deck, the frame of a garage, and an undercoat painted all through the inside of my house.

I firmly believe that living in such chaos contributes to a massive feeling of chaos in my brain. I’m anxious, depressed, and so incredibly unhappy.

When I try to talk to him about it, Clint calls me a nag and says he’ll get to it when he’s ready.

My friends tell me I should leave. There’s no love there between us anymore, and we clearly drive each other nuts. But I feel like I’ve put so much time and effort into this marriage. If Clint feels like he hasn’t had to work hard for the time he’s been with me, why should it just be him that benefits when his parents pass away?

I know it makes me sound pretty evil, but I can’t help but think I’ve earned my share in that inheritance. I gave Clint’s parents three beautiful granddaughters, and I gave Clint 20 years of my hard work and struggle.

So I’m holding on, and I’m standing my ground. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll never fall in love again, and I’m okay with that.

I’ll stay in this loveless marriage for as long as I have to so I can provide a secure future for myself and my girls.

*Names have been changed.