Forget the 50 best players. Forget the 25 fantasy picks. This is the only football list you need to read before the start of the AFL season.

BILLY STRETCH
Melbourne midfielder
Does he have Mr Fantastic-style stretching powers? Not that we know of but given the small sample size of two senior AFL games it canít be ruled out.

What would he be doing if he wasnít playing AFL? Running cheeky cockney scams in London with teammate Tom Sparrow.

BLAKE ACRES
St Kilda midfielder
Why is that so fun to say? Comedians for years have known that the hard ĎKĒ sound is inherently funny and this Saint has two of them.

What would he be doing if he wasnít playing AFL? Life guard in an American soap opera.

DEREK EGGMOLESSE-SMITH
Richmond rookie
Thereís a lot going on there. His surname is like a reverse mullet, party at the front, business at the back.

What would he be doing if he wasnít playing AFL? Being a nefarious merchant banker in the new series of Downton Abbey.

JAEGER OíMEARA
Hawthorn midfielder
That means Ďhunterí, doesnít it? In German yes, but in most of the pubs Iíve been in it means things are about to get messy.

What would he be doing if he wasnít playing AFL? Bad boy who plays by his own rules.

ORAZIO FANTASIA
Essendon small forward
How do you pronounce that? Not like the 1940s Disney classic but like youíve just noticed a can of orange fizzy drink, Fanta-see-a.

What would he be doing if he wasnít playing AFL? Professor of Transfiguration at Hogwarts.

DAYNE ZORKO
Brisbane captain
How does he get to interstate games? Dayne flies mainly on a plane.

What would he be doing if he wasnít playing AFL? Touring with prodigal Collingwood player Dayne Beams in their hit revue Nothiní Like a Dayne.

RED ”G MURPHY
North Melbourne rookie
”g? Heís Irish. Really Irish. Needs-subtitles-even-though-he-speaks-English Irish.
What would he be doing if he wasnít playing AFL? The most fearsome pirate to ever sail the seven seas.

STEELE SIDEBOTTOM
Collingwood premiership winner
That sounds like a wardrobe malfunction. Yes, weíve heard all the jokes before but Sidebottom is twice All Australian and came second in the Brownlow last year so heís had the last laugh.

What would he be doing if he wasnít playing AFL? Surely our local steel manufacturing industry needs some sort of ambassador.

WYLIE BUZZA
Geelong forward
His parents really doubled down on that one. With a surname like Buzza he was always going to stand out so they may as well make the most of it.

What would he be doing if he wasnít playing AFL? Trying to catch that god-damn Roadrunner.

IRVING MOSQUITO
Essendon small forward

I think we have a winner. Oh definitely. Heís even got teammate Anthony McDonald-Tipungwuti beat.

What would he be doing if he wasnít playing AFL? I donít even want to think about a world where Irving isnít on an AFL list. Letís just be thankful for what we have.